After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
imagine getting destroyed like this
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.