After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?