After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
podcasts
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”