After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
This is amazing.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.