after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.