Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

We like the way Dwight thinks

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

You wish you had this many chins.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.