Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

i baked you a cake

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.