After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again