After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.