After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Breaking news:
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away