After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.