Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?