Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

How all things should be taught/explained.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.