After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
can you read it!!??
maan!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.