Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good