Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.