[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
me working on my assignments ^-^
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.