Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ovenable?

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉