Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

yeah 😭

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.