Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.