Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

😂 amazing answer

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

🔦🌙👣

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie