After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I am absolutely never leaving this website
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
⛄️
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.