After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.