After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner