After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
*me flirting
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this