Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies