Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.