[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher