Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Made something I’m not proud of

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place