Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?