Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

😂

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

me adding lol on a serious message

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché