After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Damn what did I do next
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Lassie, get help!
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
do horses think humans are hats