Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

that would 100% work on me

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Fun Things

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕