Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart