Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taliband

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

#math

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.