After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good