Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

The little toadstool has spoken.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead