Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

I’m about to risk it all

Hitlers gonna hitl

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes