After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks