After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The two types of wives
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.