After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
guys i’ve cracked the code
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
This could be us, but you weedin’.
