[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*