Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?