[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂