[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.