[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children