After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do