After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.