After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
[loses house key, starts a new life]
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.