[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My patience has stretch marks.
titanic
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive