After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
seems fine
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
It be like that sometimes 😆
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?