Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.
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I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
someone do this to my school
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.