After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.

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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms


The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….


I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now


Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew


“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway


“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”


[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead


DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]