I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬