Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.
You Might Also Like
The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]