@Ryanfc706

After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.

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@AtCouchyB

Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.

@MissColdHeart9

I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.

@Sorrowscopes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

@AndrewChamings

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

@TheMichaelRock

The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.

@Mom_Overboard

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@sock_holliday

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

@novicefather

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.