Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.