After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
sometimes we need to be reminded
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
#IWishIHadNever noticed
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors