Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Oh my God.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

bro what is going on at twitter

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Bike for sale

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!