After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
a McRib killed my tapeworm
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
😅😅😅
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁