Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.