Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day❤️

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”