[after moving into a haunted house]

*setting up potters wheel* OH NO WHO WILL HELP ME LEARN POTTERY

*sitting in silence for 40mins*

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All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.


When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”


I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.


Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.


The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.


16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.


I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces


Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!


Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.


Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.