Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“What?”
– Jude
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
When a shoelace touches your ankle
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..