after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
