after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Are we there yet?…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
❤️🦆
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
