After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.


If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.


Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich


She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many


Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.


i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy


Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly


I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.