It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This makes total sense…
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”