@jasonlight73

After my date orders, I always tell the waiter “Nothing for me..I’ll be eating later” Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

You Might Also Like

@Breadery

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

@JillBidenVeep

Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@RuinMyWeek

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

@rn_murse

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

@fuzzlime

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@Midgetspar

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.