Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Wednesday

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.