Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Guy who likes music

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Rambo Rambow

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.