Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”