Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

adam and eve had first world problems

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes