Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.