Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Take care of yourself, ladies

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.