Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry