After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Just a reminder, folks:
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Important
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting